7.00pm Monday 9 August 2010:
My mom nonchalantly announces that she has procured 2 live Road-runner chickens; one for my sister and one for me. She relates that whilst on a recent trip to Zim, she realised that her beloved girls, both of whom are now over-25 yrs of age; do not know how to take a live chicken and prepare a meal from scratch. I can already imagine how this "ephiphany" would be a cause for great distress for her. If for any reason, my sister and I were to be presented with a live chicken to prepare, espcially with our limited to non-existent knowledge; we most probably become the focal point for much ridicule, and the cause of great embarrassment for her. Naturally I'm thinking "ookkkaaayyyy...I get the concerns, and well, I guess such a "skill" is handy, especially since I don't know when and where I may need to draw on such experience" (rolling my eyes). But trying be a good sport, i thank her for her "thoughfulness" and secretly start psyching myself up for a weekend of slaughter and other gruesome acts on a poor defenseless bird...so much for that long over due coffee date huh??
9.30am Tuesday 10 August 2010:
My mom calls me whilst I'm at work. With much excitement, which is slightly laced with mischief, she proclaims " The birds have been delivered!!"... My response is "I was expecting them at the weekend,when i have time to prepare myself mentally for this exercise." Where will we keep them till Saturday? With 4 dogs roaming the yard, they'd be dead even before i get home! What will they eat till Saturday, it's not like i keep chicken feed around the house for such "eventualities...And so my mind races on...
In the evening I get home, and I'm informed that mom has solicited the help of my aunt who's visiting us from Zim. Upon my sister's request, she will do a demo so that we can see and learn what is to be done, making sure to observe the relevant "techniques". This is not what i had planned for my Tuesday evening. So much for catching up with Horratio Cain and the gang. Eager to "get the show on the road", i try to put together my most abused "stay @ home" outfit, since there's no telling how dramatic the ensuing proceedings are going to get. And so starts my "initiation" and right of passage, which according to mom, is LONG overdue.
Now for the benefit of all others who like me, have not had the benefit of this experience (and watching the gardner doing this as a young kid does not count for expereince); I've summarised a step-by-step process, as well as added some vital pointers so that chicken preparation can be as smooth as possible. Please bear in mind that this guide is only to be used when you are presented with a live bird, and expected to prepare a meal from your efforts. The likely people to present such a "gift" are mother's in-law, great aunties, tete's (sisters-in-law); grannies etc. Please remember that their motivation is NOT to be questioned. You need to remain humble and exhibit that you are "up-to" the task, despite your reservations, and anger etc... And most likely just as my mom sprung it upon me, they will do the same to you too...
- Before Venturing outdoors to come face to face with your bird, ensure that you remove all pieces of valuable jewellary and clothing. You may consider wearing a head scarf / dhuku just to make sure that in the event of a struggle, there won't be any evdence of lasting / humiliating "damage" done to you.
- Once outside, depending on the architecural features of your home, make sure that the chicken has not perched itself on the edge of the roof, or any other high ledge. If this is the case, a broom is handy in "coaxing" it down. though chickens are generally considered to be flighless birds, they will surprise you, especially when they can sense iminent death.
- Chickens are extremely aggressive creatures, elusive and very "switched on". They will try to elude capture by all means. You may just break sweat trying to catch your bird, but the point is to be persistent. Don't Give Up (remember people will be watching) Try to be as graceful as possible
- Once you have captured the bird, it is important to secure its legs with one hand and to "gently" hold it's throat (do not strangle it) so that it does not render a deafening squawking noise. This is particularly important if your neighbours live in close proximity to you. You don't want everyone murmurring "chicken murder" under their breaths...
- You will need to find a section in your garden that is gravel / sandy. Please remember that the bird will be able to sense what is about to happen, so you need to be really firm. Using both feet, step on the chicken's feet with one fot and with the other foot secure it's wings. Then holding the head, as high as possible, expose the neck. I forgot to mention in the earlier steps that you need a VERY sharp knife to ensure a precise and swift motion. This is vital so that the bird does not suffer...at least not too much
- Once you have cut through the neck, you will need to continue to step on the feet and wings of the bird. This is crucial if you want to avoid the "running headless chicken" scenario. It will get up and run everywhere if you're not vigilant, and if you have dogs like i do, it is of paramount importance that your bird does not get away 'cause the pups will run faster than you, and they will get the bird before you do and they will dismember it!
- Once the bird stops jerking and you're confirdent that it is dead, you will need to hang it upside down fpr about 5 mins to drain off the blood. In the mean time you will need to boil water, about two kettles full. This you will place in a large dish
- Once most of the blood has stopped dripping from the bird, you take it to the dish of boiling water, and proceed to lightly dip it in. This will esnure that the feathers will come off with ease when plucking. Do not allow the bird to "sit" in the water as the meat will start to cook, and your feather-plucking will be a rather gruesome and unfortunate affair.
- Proceed to pluck the feathers, being as thorough as possible, We all know how irritating it is to buy chicken from the shops that still has feathers attached! For the finer plumage, you can make use of mealie meal to "exfoliate" these fine feathers away (it really does work). Also make sure that you remove the outer skin from the bird's feet
- When removing the insides of the bird, there are various techniques which can be used as both my mom and aunt demonstrated. Crucial points to remember at this stage: (1)When removing the liver, take extra care NOT to puncture the gall bladder, as any spillage of the gall will ruin the entire bird's meat!! (2)It is important that once you have opened the gizzard, that you remove the "stones"(my bird was free range) and clean it thoroughly with clean water (3) Also important to remember, when your bird arrives (if you have ordered it) DO NOT feed it in the hours leading to it's death! If it has been feeding, it will mean that it's stomach will contain undigested food, and this is a whole other kind of of "ikkiness" that can be avoided (4)Make sure your sink area is clear of any dishes and clutter, the mess can be surprising! Also keep the kitchen window open, if your place is open plan, perhaps open the patio door to ensure a "through-fare" of fresh air
*SIGH* When i reflect on my evening, i have a newfound respect for all those people that work in slaughter houses and butcheries. They do a fantastic job, so that most of us WON'T have to. I still need to actually "do" the task as i was merely observing and taking notes on thii night. Now that i know what is onvloved, I'm definitely going to be putting my "game face" on for my "test" on Saturday afternoon ....lol...
In the words of my wise mother "Do not shun this very important lesson because you will never know when you may be called upon to prepare a traditional chicken stew from scratch, especially if you happen to end up with a Zimbabwean husband." ...Translation - "I DON'T want to be embarrassed"
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