So I had this “situation” at
work, where in previous weeks, I had not responded to certain requests made to
me by members of my staff. I figured, if I don’t answer, they’ll stop
asking. In effect what my silence did
was create an element of suspicion and distrust, and I found myself with the
possibility of being cornered and having to spill the beans. I had created an
illusion about something and the bubble was soon to burst. Last week Tuesday I
was in “a state” because I thought “eish, now EVERYONE will know that I lied,
or was rather I was “creative” with the truth” (same thing).
The prideful Nyasha came to the
fore and I became indignant, thinking to myself “How dare they question me? My
Motives? My integrity!”...but at the back of my mind a small voice said “Well
you have not been completely honest have you now?” So started my sleepless
night on how I could possibly salvage the situation, and the repercussions of
becoming even more “creative” with the truth, versus just telling the truth. I
woke up early on Wednesday morning unable to sleep because my conscience wouldn’t
let me, and I started praying for a way out. The solution was not what I wanted
it to be; hell it was FAR from my plan. But it was very simple – I had to tell
the truth. Not just to myself, but to those that I had misled and let me be
honest; also lied to, but most importantly I had to make peace with God. Yeah,
swallow my pride; admit my shortcomings, not just in my prayer time, but
publically... Eish!
The bible says in James 5:16 “Confess
to one another your trespasses, that you may be healed...” I thought it weird
that I should think of this passage. I didn’t need healing, I wasn’t sick. But I
began to realise that mind was sick. I had created a pattern of behaviour over
this issue which would surely lead to my destruction, and had no one else to
blame but me! I realised the truth of the phrase “integrity is what you’re
willing to do when you think no one is looking”, and eish I had been nabbed! I
decided to confess my duplicity, and ask for forgiveness; knowing that doing so
during my quiet time was going to be a lot easier than in front of several pairs
of accusing eyes. But I decided that this is it, this is the plan, and I need
to stick with it. Interestingly enough, I was on leave when this whole thing
was about to blow up in my face, and after making my decision to tell the
truth, I still had 5 days before I was due to return to work. 5 loooooooong
days where I wrestled more than once with my decision. 5 days when I kept
thinking “surely I don’t have to tell the WHOLE truth”...hehehhehehhe....
Right now I have just come out of
a long meeting, where by the time I went in, I decided that I would tell the
whole truth, I would lay it all there, admit my lies, and heck see what
happens. God in his infinite goodness knows that the truth is truly the remedy
we need to a lot of our problems. I can honestly sit here right now and say
that yeah, it was hairy at times, and I really, really, really feel as though I
could have done ANYthing else, but what I just had to do. But I realised that
in telling the truth, this thing is no longer hanging over my head stealing
sleep away from me. I have been released from that bondage of keeping that “secret”,
and also believing that I am “invincible”. I have realised that being
transparent in some situations allows others to see that at the end of the day I
am human, I don’t have it all together yet, it’s not all figured out. There’s
freedom in that, but there is even more freedom in being able to say “I am
sorry; can we start over?”
I suspect I will sleep a lot
better tonight now that is off my chest...
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