Little White Lies...

Phew! I am so smiling right now, I have what the bible calls “the peace that surpasses all understanding, guarding my heart and mind”. God is good.

So I had this “situation” at work, where in previous weeks, I had not responded to certain requests made to me by members of my staff. I figured, if I don’t answer, they’ll stop asking.  In effect what my silence did was create an element of suspicion and distrust, and I found myself with the possibility of being cornered and having to spill the beans. I had created an illusion about something and the bubble was soon to burst. Last week Tuesday I was in “a state” because I thought “eish, now EVERYONE will know that I lied, or was rather I was “creative” with the truth” (same thing).

The prideful Nyasha came to the fore and I became indignant, thinking to myself “How dare they question me? My Motives? My integrity!”...but at the back of my mind a small voice said “Well you have not been completely honest have you now?” So started my sleepless night on how I could possibly salvage the situation, and the repercussions of becoming even more “creative” with the truth, versus just telling the truth. I woke up early on Wednesday morning unable to sleep because my conscience wouldn’t let me, and I started praying for a way out. The solution was not what I wanted it to be; hell it was FAR from my plan. But it was very simple – I had to tell the truth. Not just to myself, but to those that I had misled and let me be honest; also lied to, but most importantly I had to make peace with God. Yeah, swallow my pride; admit my shortcomings, not just in my prayer time, but publically... Eish!

The bible says in James 5:16 “Confess to one another your trespasses, that you may be healed...” I thought it weird that I should think of this passage. I didn’t need healing, I wasn’t sick. But I began to realise that mind was sick. I had created a pattern of behaviour over this issue which would surely lead to my destruction, and had no one else to blame but me! I realised the truth of the phrase “integrity is what you’re willing to do when you think no one is looking”, and eish I had been nabbed! I decided to confess my duplicity, and ask for forgiveness; knowing that doing so during my quiet time was going to be a lot easier than in front of several pairs of accusing eyes. But I decided that this is it, this is the plan, and I need to stick with it. Interestingly enough, I was on leave when this whole thing was about to blow up in my face, and after making my decision to tell the truth, I still had 5 days before I was due to return to work. 5 loooooooong days where I wrestled more than once with my decision. 5 days when I kept thinking “surely I don’t have to tell the WHOLE truth”...hehehhehehhe....

Right now I have just come out of a long meeting, where by the time I went in, I decided that I would tell the whole truth, I would lay it all there, admit my lies, and heck see what happens. God in his infinite goodness knows that the truth is truly the remedy we need to a lot of our problems. I can honestly sit here right now and say that yeah, it was hairy at times, and I really, really, really feel as though I could have done ANYthing else, but what I just had to do. But I realised that in telling the truth, this thing is no longer hanging over my head stealing sleep away from me. I have been released from that bondage of keeping that “secret”, and also believing that I am “invincible”. I have realised that being transparent in some situations allows others to see that at the end of the day I am human, I don’t have it all together yet, it’s not all figured out. There’s freedom in that, but there is even more freedom in being able to say “I am sorry; can we start over?”

I suspect I will sleep a lot better tonight now that is off my chest...

Hanging on a Prayer

The bible calls us to boldly approach the throne of grace. We are to be confident and bold when we come before the Lord with our prayers. I recall something that our Campus Pastor at Uni used to say, that we should always be mindful of what we pray, and we should not be surprised when God starts doing something in response to those prayers. Often when we pray we already have a pre-conceived idea of how we want the situation to turn out, how we expect God to respond; how the blessing should be packaged or even how long we think the trial and pressure should last. We often forget that God is sovereign and what he desires more for and of us as His children, is often much bigger and better than we can imagine; just the road to getting there may not always what we have hoped for or envisioned.

I was paging through my prayer journal and I came across a prayer that I prayed earlier this year, I write my prayers down so that when I see the answered prayers I can go back to the point of reference and really see just how much God has done for me. On this particular occasion I was praying for my work situation and my prayer went something like this:
“Father I commit this new year to you... Teach me to take the authority you have given me to overcome strife, financial challenges so that you may establish your vision for my workplace. Help me to step into my calling in that place; to be a witness and minister of your gospel through my deeds, my dealings, my words, and my actions.  Gird me with more strength of character; more insight and discernment; more peace. Teach me to do battle on my knees; both corporately and privately. Anchor me in your word; may it become my compass and my map. Teach me to hide it in my heart; to eat from it and be filled. Teach me to pray for others, standing in the gap for them... “
 Even as I type this I am thinking, “WOW, how hectic! What was I thinking?” hehehehehehehhehe

I am sharing this because in the past 3 or so months I have been seeing “flames” on the work front! (Kuona moto) It seems to be one battle after the other, never letting up. The challenges keep rolling into one another, seemingly like a snowball that keeps gathering momentum. Many times I have thought “Lord when will this all end? When will I feel like a can breathe?” It’s been a hectic time. Interestingly today as I have been meditating and praying about my life, I was reminded of my January prayer. It’s amazing that as I read it now that everything that I prayed is what‘s going on in my life right now in terms of spiritual growth (the underlined bits). It’s struck me that we never actually know HOW God is going to bring about His purpose in our lives. What He requires is that we’re open to the process. If someone had said to me “Nyasha; in-order for  you  to have a more established faith, a deeper and enriched prayer life; and greater awareness of His presence in your everyday life in 2012; you will need to walk the hectic path that you are currently on”  I would have told them they were crazy! Surely the path to spiritual growth cannot be that difficult? Yet, it is as it is.

I realised that in order for me to become the person that I desire to be, strong and anchored in the word, whose faith is resolute; then I MUST accept that this season right now is the trench in which my battles are being fought. We are living in extremely challenging times. Situations and circumstances can be overwhelming, scary, frustrating, and discouraging. Drama; drama and even more DRAMA! However God has encouraged us that “the righteous shall live by faith”, BUT our faith does need to be proved. I am comforted that God is answering my prayer in a very BIG way (although at times painful). This is the very road that I must walk, these steps have been ordered and I must trust that God being the author and finisher of my faith, will bring it all full circle, and as James 1 says, I will be able to say that I am “mature, lacking in nothing”.  Once we have had the courage to pray bold courageous prayers that will bring inward change into our lives, God then calls us to persevere; to not try and short-circuit His process, because at the end of it all, we will be better people for it (James 1:2 – 5).  I shared a few weeks back that Faith makes things possible, and not necessarily easy, and boy have i seen that in recent weeks. As tough as it is some days, we need to hold on or just hang in there, all the while encouraging ourselves through the word.

Sometimes the night may seem very long, but what we know for sure is that dawn will break and the sun rise.

Unexpected Lessons

Having been raised in the “Diaspora”, we did not have many relatives visiting or staying with us as is commonly practised back home in Zim. Living in a foreign country “family” meant the five of us: parents, my two siblings and me. We missed out on a lot of family gatherings and just general interaction with members of my extended family. On my dad’s side of the family we are an extremely large contingent of people. In my generation alone, there are 36 cousins, with and age group (currently) spanning mid- 50s to 10 yrs old. I know all my cousins, but I can be honest and say that I have a consistent relationship with maybe 15% of them.  The same goes for my uncles and aunts, there are those that we were close to us growing up (despite the distance) and others who I know, but have never really had any kind of relationship with that goes beyond sharing the same bloodlines.

My uncle, my dad’s eldest brother has been staying with us for a little over a month. He is the eldest brother of 7 brothers, and will soon be celebrating his 80^th birthday. Whilst growing up I had a very austere view of this man. My most vivid childhood memory of my interactions with him were that this was a hard man, never smiling, strict to the core (he was a High School Headmaster most of his professional teaching career). In my childish arrogance, I felt this man was stubbornly entrenched in extreme conservatism, unwilling to change with the times. My rather skewed view and misgivings about uncle stemmed from an incident that happened when I was 12 yrs old during a family reunion. It is customary where we come from for girls to offer a dish for clean water for elders to wash their hands before a meal. Now anyone reading this that comes from a Shona background may appreciate the notion of “Protocol” in conducting this act. In my innocence and ignorance, I did not observe protocol on this occasion and proceeded to receive a rather humiliating reprimand from my uncle, the head of the entire family. Needless to say I did not see it necessary to pursue any interest in establishing a relationship with my uncle for the next 18 yrs.

On a trip to Zim this past January, my uncle to came to visit us at our home, and I was struck at how much time had passed. I had managed to create an ogre-like image of this man in my mind, yet the person that I was chatting to was nothing like what I had held onto for so long. When it was decided that he should come and spend some time in Swaziland, I had some mixed feelings. I wasn’t too worried though because I don’t live at home anymore (though I do visit frequently). I was however apprehensive about my interactions with him, even how I should dress in his presence (he is old-school Shona – Women don’t wear pants, jeans, short skirts etc).  I also realised that his visiting us in Swaziland would mean that I had to let go of that silly 12yr-old attitude that I had developed, and open up to learning about this man, and getting to know him.

Its incredible how quickly the time has gone by. My uncle is leaving to return to Zim during the course of this week, and I feel as though the time has been too short. I was actually looking forward to my visits at my parent’s home, and having those perfunctory conversations with him. I’ve learned in the recent weeks that my uncle is not the mean, hard man I always imagine him being. He has a sense of humour, albeit wicked (he has some really cruel jokes). It was refreshing when he would unexpectedly pipe up with a hectic diss, lol... With all the life that he has already seen, he retains a sense of wonder at some things that I take for granted, always eager to gather new knowledge, an ever-inquiring mind. Though soccer is his sport of choice, he became converted to supporting cricket, tennis, and any other sport that is a favourite in our home. I discovered that he is extremely self-disciplined. He watches what he eats, looks after health and maintains his fitness (all lessons which could help me right now).  What I appreciated most was his incredible love and concern for his family, his children, biological and extended. He has a serious desire for all of us to go home and have a reunion this December. A time that will allow people to get to know each other again, and enjoy fellowship as the "Kavumbura Clan." He also revealed a solid and steadfast faith. He is resolute in his beliefs, and his convictions are not easily shaken or swayed. Yes I discovered that my uncle is an incredible man; faith-filled, resolute, disciplined, caring and loving.

I felt incredibly humbled and blessed today. He saw it fit to honour an invitation I had extended for him to visit me at my place before he leaves to return to Zim. We had a memorable time, plenty of great laughs and way too much food (oh yes!). I really felt honoured to have him visiting me, at my place. I realised that true wealth is those moments spent with the people that you love. There is nothing that nourishes the soul more than that. I also realised that it’s worth making an effort to take the time to learn about someone. Become re-acquainted, and find new common ground. I am grateful for the last 6 weeks, for having the opportunity to get to know my uncle, to have been able to serve him, and honour him as a daughter. Such opportunities are God-given, blessings to be cherished.