It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Always seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word...”
Very macabre words by one of the world’s most
prolific singer/songwriter’s Sir Elton John. I grew up listening to his music,
and it’s really dawned on me in recent weeks the power of these lyrics, because
I too have found myself in a situation where “Sorry” does seem to be the
hardest word.
A few months
ago I had a rather life-changing encounter where someone very close and dear to
me said some very hectic hurtful things to me. I was devastated, and in the few
weeks following that day I really struggled to get to a place of forgiving that
person. Of course I knew I needed to forgive her in order to not become
affected by bitterness and resentment. I knew also that I needed to forgive
because that’s what a born-again spirit-filled Christian does. After all the
bible encourages us to forgive others just as we have been forgiven... Yeah I
knew what I needed to do, what I must do. But I was experiencing a
disconnection between what I knew I had to do, and why; and the raw painful
emotion that kept replaying itself. I also felt that since I was the one who
was wronged, this person, let's call them *Samantha was supposed to be sorry, in
fact they needed to come and SAY sorry. Never the less day in and day out I prayed and asked God to help me to forgive Samantha. Of course because of the magnitude of our fight, Sam and I were no longer on speaking terms, even in the presence of mutual friends, we quietly avoided each other. Friends decided to have an intervention to try and solve this impasse. By this time I had told myself that I had forgiven Sam, and when she was ready I would hear her out, keep the doors to reconciliation open... because eventually she would come around and apologise and say sorry and then we could move forward...right? Wrong! What happened instead was that Sam revealed that she was not interested in reconciliation, because she was NOT sorry. And that she felt her life was going to be better off without me. I was crushed...Of course I had just assumed that Sam would be sorry and we could just move past this blimp in our friendship. But hearing that she was not sorry, well that really got me thinking...
I went away from that meeting emotionally
drained and exhausted and asking God why? Why was it hard to just get past
this thing? I had done everything that I knew to do, I had forgiven... In my
quest for answers it dawned on me that my idea of the resolution to this issue was
for Sam to come to me and be sorry, and ask for my forgiveness. It hadn’t yet occurred
to me that maybe I too needed to account for my role in the whole mess, and
apologise and ask for forgiveness from her. Immediately I realised that “Yes” I had a
role to play, that over the course of our friendship, I could have done things
differently, and I could have been a better friend, less judgmental; less
self-absorbed. I could have listened more instead of always dispensing my
opinions and advice. Yes, I could have done some things differently, but most
of all I should have not taken Sam’s friendship for granted, believing that it
will always be there. In that moment I realised that there was so much that I
needed to be sorry for, so much ugliness for which I needed her to forgive me.
Deep!
Amazing how God works in us. He had to bring a
situation like this to address certain character flaws that I have. I’m a
strong, straight-shooting, "so you better just deal with it" kind of person. For the most
part, this personality works to my advantage(at work), because it tells people that I’m
no push-over. But I’ve realised that sometimes, this bulldozing, "my way or the
highway" mentality may not be what is needed when it comes to loving those that
God has placed in my life. What a lesson.
I’ve learnt and I am still learning (because
this story is far from over) that the key to forgiveness is that it’s a two way
street. We should not get caught up in our
right to an apology that we lose sight of what we should apologise for. I think
true reconciliation can come only when each person acknowledges their wrong,
says sorry and asks for forgiveness from the other, and is willing to forgive
the other.
“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends
you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” Colossians 3:13 NLT
